How to apologize: the 6 parts researchers tested, and the 2 that matter most

Asking “Can you forgive me?” feels like the natural way to end an apology. In a 2016 Ohio State study, it was the part people valued least. What they wanted most was simpler and harder to say out loud: a plain admission that the mistake was yours.

To put that to work, pick one apology you’ve been putting off, write it as 3 sentences that own the mistake and offer a fix, and say it in person or by phone this week. The six steps below show what goes into those sentences and what to leave out.

What 755 people ranked

The study, led by Roy Lewicki with Beth Polin and Robert Lount, appeared in the journal Negotiation and Conflict Management Research and ran two experiments with 755 people in all. In the first, 333 adults recruited online read descriptions of apology parts. In the second, 422 undergraduates read full apology statements built from different numbers of parts. Both groups rated each apology on a scale from 1 to 5.

The setup was a hiring decision. Participants played a manager filling an accounting job whose candidate had once filed a client’s tax return that understated capital gains income. When asked about it, the candidate apologized, and the participants rated how well that apology worked.

Think of the last apology you gave, and count how many of these six parts it included.

Two parts matter most

Apologies with more of the six parts scored higher than apologies with fewer, so a fuller apology beats a quick one.

The parts weren’t equal, though. Owning the mistake came first and offering to repair it came second, while asking for forgiveness came last.

Our findings showed that the most important component is an acknowledgment of responsibility. Say it is your fault, that you made a mistake.

That line is Lewicki’s, from Ohio State’s announcement of the results. Participants were also less receptive when the candidate had filed the wrong return on purpose than when he simply didn’t know the tax code. If your mistake was a choice, expect your apology to take longer to land.

The steps below follow the order you’d say things out loud, which isn’t the order of the ranking, so keep in mind that steps 2 and 5 carry the most weight.

1. Name exactly what you did

Start with the act, in plain words, as you’d describe it to a stranger. Openers like “about the other day” or “for everything” make the other person guess which thing you mean, and they may guess a bigger one.

Specific doesn’t have to mean long. Imagine you promised to bring a pickup truck for your sister’s move on Saturday, then didn’t show up.

Your opener is “I said I’d bring the truck Saturday, and I didn’t come.” It gives the act and the day, with nothing else attached yet.

2. Say it was your fault

This is the part the study ranked first, and it’s the part people dodge most. Two small words do the dodging. “If” turns the harm into a maybe, as in “I’m sorry if you were hurt.” “But” cancels whatever came before it, as in “I’m sorry, but traffic was terrible.”

Put “I” in the subject and add no qualifier: “That was my fault. I should have called you Friday when I knew I might not make it.”

Owning it usually feels worse in advance than it does in the moment. A 2014 paper in the journal Social Justice Research, by Joost Leunissen and colleagues, found that people expected apologizing to feel more unpleasant than it turned out to be.

Read your draft back, and wherever you find an “if” or a “but”, cut the clause that follows it.

3. Explain in one sentence, then stop

An explanation tied for third in the study, so it helps, a little. The risk is that a long explanation slides into an excuse. To tell the two apart, ask whether your sentence moves the fault onto someone or something else; if it does, you’ve written an excuse.

“I took an extra shift and told myself I’d still get there by noon” explains. “My boss basically forced me to work” excuses.

Give one sentence of explanation. If the other person wants to know more, let them ask, then answer what they ask.

4. Say you’re sorry, and for what

Expressing regret tied for third as well. Plenty of people treat “I’m sorry” as the whole apology, but in this study it was one part of six.

The words alone also tend to do less than you’d expect. In a 2011 study in Psychological Science, David De Cremer and colleagues found that people who imagined receiving an apology valued it more than people who actually received one.

Attach your “I’m sorry” to what happened to the other person: “I’m sorry you had to carry the couch with two neighbors you barely know.” That sentence is about her afternoon, with your guilt left out of it. A long account of how bad you feel can leave the person you hurt comforting you.

5. Offer to fix what you can

An offer of repair ranked second, just behind owning the mistake. In the Ohio State release, Lewicki said that talk is cheap, but an offer to fix what’s wrong commits you to action that undoes the damage.

Saying sorry tied for third in the Ohio State ranking, while offering repair came second.

Make the offer concrete and sized to the harm: “Let me pay for the movers on the last load, or I can take the extra boxes to the donation center this weekend. Which helps more?” Asking which one helps lets the other person choose. Some harms can’t be undone, like a remark that’s already been heard. Then the repair is what you do differently, which is step 6.

Medicine has a real-world version of the pairing. In 2001 the University of Michigan Health System began telling patients when its care had harmed them, apologizing and offering compensation where it was owed. A 2010 study in the Annals of Internal Medicine found that new lawsuits fell from 2.13 to 0.75 a month for every 100,000 patient encounters.

The study compared claims from 1995 to 2007, before and after the program began, and it can’t rule out other changes over the same stretch.

Even so, the program paired the two parts the apology study ranked highest, an admission and an offer.

6. Say what changes next time

The last part is what the researchers called a declaration of repentance, a promise about the future, and it tied for third. It counts only if it names a behavior the other person could watch for: “Next time I’m not sure I can make it, I’ll tell you two days ahead, not that morning.”

Then stop talking.

You’ll notice there’s no step for asking forgiveness. It ranked last of the six, and Lewicki said it’s the one you can leave out if you have to. Asking puts the other person on the spot to answer right away, when they may still be angry. Give them time to raise it when they’re ready.

Phrases that sink an apology

Most bad apologies use real apology words with the responsibility taken out. The best-known version is “I’m sorry you feel that way”, which apologizes for the other person’s reaction and for nothing you did.

Passive voice does the same job. In his State of the Union address on January 27, 1987, Ronald Reagan said “serious mistakes were made” in the secret arms sales to Iran. In the same speech he said he took full responsibility, yet the passive line names no one. Critics at the time said he should have spelled out what the mistakes were.

Check your draft against the left column of this table before you say it.

When a written apology works

The apologies in the Ohio State study were read on a page, not heard. They still worked when they had the right parts. Writing is a fair choice when the other person has asked for space, when you know you’d ramble or get defensive face to face, or when distance rules out a visit.

The trade-off is that the other person can’t hear your tone, and a text sent in the middle of their workday can read like a way to skip the conversation. A short letter or email with an offer to talk usually lands better than a text thread. Use the same parts in the same order and send it once. Don’t follow up the next day asking whether they got it.

When an apology isn’t enough

An apology repairs ordinary harm between two people who both want to keep the relationship, but it doesn’t fix a pattern. If you keep apologizing for the same thing, or someone keeps apologizing to you for hurting you, these steps won’t solve it.

A licensed counselor or therapist can help you sort out what’s behind the pattern.

If the harm involves abuse, threats or fear for your safety, an apology is the wrong tool. The National Domestic Violence Hotline answers around the clock at 800-799-7233, or you can text START to 88788.

Write it down first

Fill in the brackets to get your 3 sentences:

1. I [what you did, in plain words], and that was my fault.
2. I’m sorry it [what it cost the other person].
3. I’d like to [your offer to fix it], and next time I’ll [a change they could see].

Write yours today, read it aloud once to catch any “if” or “but”, and say it to the person before the week is out.